Whenever anyone has asked me about my artistic outlet, I would always respond by saying I would like to be artistic but I am not. In my head though, I would also think that my artistic outlet is writing. I could never say it though, because I either wasn't writing, wasn't very good at it but most importantly I didn't really enjoy it. That has changed though.
Growing up, I battled with this, although only now I can see this. I didn't grow up in a household full of books. I had to force myself to read as a young adult. It wasn't that I struggled to read at al, but rather I had to struggle to enjoy it and choose to do it. The situation now is very different, I am running out of space in my own home to house all the books I own. Reading let alone writing, just wasn't ever something that I saw as a recreational activity.
In fact a few years ago, I walked into a room incredibly surprised to join a conversation with my partner, who I know to be an avid reader and my mother, discussing different fiction authors. I had never known my mother to be a reader at all all throughout my childhood.
The only time I wrote anything was at school, Whilst I excelled academically, English was the one area in which I did struggle. I wasn't bad, but neither was I great, like I was in other areas. Consequently the school environment was so off putting when it came to writing at all. This isn't a unique story of course, so many people later fall in love with things they hated at school but what happened in my adulthood sealed this fate of my interest in writing.
At the age of 17 I joined a Trotskyist organisation at the height of the anti-war movement around the time of the invasion of Iraq. Whilst I agree with much of the politics involved still to this day, there is so much I don't.
One of the very subtle things I have come to realise has been the constraints placed on any form of expression, the writing i did at this time was always formulaic, devoid of any personality and always had to end with concrete proposals. Years later I started this very blog, but still entwined in that world, I have come to realise that I still adhered to that unwritten style guide all throughout.
I began to view writing as something only done to make a coherent point, style, form or enjoyment were irrelevant sometimes even undesirable, it was monotone at best. Even when writing in other spheres, in academia; I took the same approach, when I very occasionally wrote something non-political I took that same approach.
I forced myself to write, that is why this blog was created. I thought I could replicate what I had with reading, I forced myself to read until I enjoyed it, I could force myself to write until I enjoyed it, but it never happened. I was overlooking the obvious, Whenever I read something I didn't enjoy, I could simply read something else that I did, and that made it easier to read everything. When I wrote though, I always wrote in the same benign way, I could never force myself to enjoy writing, I was the problem.
It is easy to say this all with the benefit of hindsight, it was impossible to see it at the time, but recently I have begun to write again, this time free of the shackles of a vanguardist political organisation, or even the perceived shackles, where self censorship is to the fore, I, for the first time ever, after multiple attempts, I finally enjoy writing.
Not only am I beginning to enjoy the process of writing, time is now my only constraint, I have only written a few pieces so far, but my mind has already planned out another 10 or so pieces, some completely different than anything I have written before.
I have an artist friend who would adamantly believe that everyone has an artistic outlook, and that art is part and parcel of everyday life, I guess its finally time to admit he has a point. Next time I am asked the question "What is your artistic outlet" I can now give an answer. I plan to continue writing, I have no idea if it serves a purpose, I have no idea if its any good or if many people will read it, but I guess that isn't the point, the writing has been liberated I finally enjoy it.
Anyone who has ever been inside a revolutionary vanguardist party and come out the other side, will talk about how much it would from them, often in terms of time and money, but in this instance, I think it shows it takes more from us than we sometimes realise, it controls the very way you think, not be force or coercion, its fully accepted and embraced, but it could a part of who I could have been.
At the age of 17 I joined a Trotskyist organisation at the height of the anti-war movement around the time of the invasion of Iraq. Whilst I agree with much of the politics involved still to this day, there is so much I don't.
One of the very subtle things I have come to realise has been the constraints placed on any form of expression, the writing i did at this time was always formulaic, devoid of any personality and always had to end with concrete proposals. Years later I started this very blog, but still entwined in that world, I have come to realise that I still adhered to that unwritten style guide all throughout.
I began to view writing as something only done to make a coherent point, style, form or enjoyment were irrelevant sometimes even undesirable, it was monotone at best. Even when writing in other spheres, in academia; I took the same approach, when I very occasionally wrote something non-political I took that same approach.
I forced myself to write, that is why this blog was created. I thought I could replicate what I had with reading, I forced myself to read until I enjoyed it, I could force myself to write until I enjoyed it, but it never happened. I was overlooking the obvious, Whenever I read something I didn't enjoy, I could simply read something else that I did, and that made it easier to read everything. When I wrote though, I always wrote in the same benign way, I could never force myself to enjoy writing, I was the problem.
It is easy to say this all with the benefit of hindsight, it was impossible to see it at the time, but recently I have begun to write again, this time free of the shackles of a vanguardist political organisation, or even the perceived shackles, where self censorship is to the fore, I, for the first time ever, after multiple attempts, I finally enjoy writing.
Not only am I beginning to enjoy the process of writing, time is now my only constraint, I have only written a few pieces so far, but my mind has already planned out another 10 or so pieces, some completely different than anything I have written before.
I have an artist friend who would adamantly believe that everyone has an artistic outlook, and that art is part and parcel of everyday life, I guess its finally time to admit he has a point. Next time I am asked the question "What is your artistic outlet" I can now give an answer. I plan to continue writing, I have no idea if it serves a purpose, I have no idea if its any good or if many people will read it, but I guess that isn't the point, the writing has been liberated I finally enjoy it.
Anyone who has ever been inside a revolutionary vanguardist party and come out the other side, will talk about how much it would from them, often in terms of time and money, but in this instance, I think it shows it takes more from us than we sometimes realise, it controls the very way you think, not be force or coercion, its fully accepted and embraced, but it could a part of who I could have been.
No comments:
Post a Comment